If My Heart Was Connected to My Thumbs
HIM: Hey, Em. I’m totally bored… So I decided to check in. What’s going on?
YOU: Oh, nothing much… Just the fact that I’m terrified.
I’m absolutely scared out of my mind.
No, I’m not watching a horror movie. No, I’m not about to be killed or have my college money taken away or have my parents die…
But there’s a huge chance of you breaking my heart.
I know. It’s silly to be so scared over something like this… But I’ve been broken before. And, God, it hurt like a bitch. What hurt even worse was what came later. All of the thoughts. All of the memories.
I don’t want to go through that with you.
Because I really, really think I might be falling in love with you and I couldn’t bear it—I might run away, as far away as possible just to get away—if this happened with you.
I love you.
Good God. I love you.
I love that you text me when you’re supposed to be doing your homework. I love that you listen to me rant about my obsessions, no matter how crazy I am. I love that you sing to me, even though you’re kind of tone deaf. I love that you always ask to read my writing. I love that you tease me like we’re best friends, and I love that you feel like we are. I love that you’re the only person in the world that I will let tug on my ponytail and make me dance with you. I love that you don’t swear unless you’re really, really mad. I love that you care about the things that I care about. I love that you call me the second you know my plans are over because you wanted to talk. I love how embarrassed you get when I tease you back. I love how your eyes are about three different colors. I love that you’re passionate and smart and funny and nerdy and goofy and that we have inside jokes.
I love your smile, your laugh, the way you talk, the way you wink, the way you walk, the way you stand, the way you eat, the way you freakin’ breathe.
I love you.
But I can’t tell you that.
Because even though I feel like you might love me back, I cannot let myself do this to someone—to me—ever again. I can’t just dive into something with someone who was such a great friend first because I don’t want to lose that friendship. I can’t lose that friendship. I will be broken if I lose you.
I’ve always prided myself on being fiercely independent. And then I met you. And you just clicked with me. It was like I couldn’t focus when I was around you. All there was…was you. And then, when we were away from each other, I couldn’t focus either. I needed you--need you—like a heartbeat. But I settled for being your friend because I was in pieces. I was already completely shattered and I did not want to get mixed up with someone else when I knew that I wasn’t completely over him.
And when I was, I cried. Because my heart had found it’s new owner. And you didn’t even realize it.
Are you just naturally this friendly with everyone? Do you text your other female friends adorable messages in the middle of the night just to see if you can wake them up? Do you buy them ice cream when you’re supposed to go shopping for a school project? A school project in which, by the way, you were not involved at all, so I don’t see why you had to butt in and insist on going shopping with me. I could’ve done it myself… But I wouldn’t have had as much fun.
Why do I do this? Why do you do this?
I’m terrified.
I’m not falling anymore. I have landed. And I’m completely trapped.
I just haven’t decided whether I want to stay or not. Not that I really have a choice. I’ll stay near you as long as you’ll have me, totally okay with never telling you. Because being your friend is better than nothing.
I…
HIM: Emily? You there?
HIM: Did you fall asleep? Wow, lazy-pants. It’s only like…10.
YOU: Yeah, I’m here. I was just watching TV, sorry. Send.
HIM: No big deal. You wanna chat later?
YOU: No. I want to talk now. I want to tell you everything. I want to tell you that I love you and that I feel it in my chest that you love me back and I want us to be together so that I don’t have to dream anymore, but God, I would never be able to say it!
HIM: Em?
YOU: Sorry. My phone’s on silent. I’m actually going over to a friend’s later, so we can talk now. Send.
HIM: Can I call you? I want to hear your voice.
HIM: Oh, crap, was that creepy?
YOU: I could sit here for hours just listening to your voice. Is that creepy? Maybe. But it doesn’t change the fact that I would do it.
HIM: Yeah, that was probably creepy. Well, I officially feel like an idiot:/
YOU: Don’t! You’re not. I understand the feeling. Send.
HIM: Really? About who?
YOU: You.
…
…
…
Send.
HIM: I’m gonna call you. I want to tell you something.
YOU: Tell me what? Send.
HIM: Exactly why I want to hear your voice. I may sound like an idiot but I don’t think I can hold it in any longer.
YOU: What? Send.
-0-
“Hello?”
“Em, do you wanna go out with me?”
Yes. No. God, yes. I can’t… I don’t want to get hurt again. I want to trust you. I do trust you. I love you so much.
“Sometimes life is about taking a risk, Em. I can’t promise you that I won’t screw up, but I can promise that I’ll always be there to help fix my screw ups as best I can. I want to try this. I really, really want to try this. And…if you want to stay friends, I’ll understand.”
“Pick me up at 7 tomorrow night.”
“Your resounding excitement over our date sends warm shivers into my belly.”
“I’m gonna hang up.”
“No! I was just teasing, I—”
“I’m gonna hang up because I want to send you something, okay?”
“I… Yeah, okay.”
“I’ll talk to you later, yeah?”
“Definitely.”
Send.
…
…
…
HIM: There’s not much else to say but… Ditto. And thanks for spamming my inbox.
YOU: Anytime.
HIM: Go to sleep, love. And trust that I’ll still love you in the morning.