N is for Names
"Hell no am I naming a son of mine Travis Jr."
"Why not?"
"Because that's the stupidest name ever!"
"What? You said you thought my name was sexy."
"Well, yeah. On you. But if we named our son that . . . I think not."
"But you know what Travis means?"
"What?"
"It means like travel and crossroads and stuff. You like to travel, right?"
"Sometimes."
"And people named Travis are usually known for being good, passionate lovers in bed."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah. But I think you already know that, Katie."
"No Travis Jr."
"Fine. Fine. Travis wouldn't work in my alphabetical naming plan anyways."
"Alphabetical naming plan?"
"Yes. Alphabetical naming plan. It's where each of my kids' names start with their own letter of the alphabet."
"Well then you need to find some other whore to have twenty-one more kids with you."
"No! We don't need to have twenty-six kids. They just need to go in order."
"What do you mean 'in order'?"
"I mean, we already have A with Mary so now we just need B, C, and D. The first one that pops out will have a name starting with B, the next one with C, and the last with D. Get it?"
"Got it. But what are we going to actually name them?"
"See, I thought of that too, just in case the Travis Jr. thing didn't work. So I Googled."
"I have to agree to them first, though."
"Obviously. So the first one. B. Are you ready for this?"
"I think."
"Barack."
"As in . . . "
"Obama. Isn't it amazing?"
" . . . "
"Don't just stare. Say something."
"How about no?"
"Come on! Why not?"
"Maybe because it's one of the stupidest names ever? I'm not naming our child after the president."
"I don't understand you sometimes."
"Diddo, my friend. Diddo."
"Well the only other names I can think of are Bartholomew and Brennon so-"
"Wait! What did you say?"
"Bartholomew?"
"No. The other one."
"Brennon?"
"Yeah. Brennon. I like it."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I mean, he can be like, 'Yo. Hey Brendon. My name's cooler cuz it doesn't have a d. What? What?' You know?"
"Yeah. Strangely I do."
"So Brennon it is."
"Brennon it is."
"What about C?"
"Well, you won't like my first choice."
"Why not?"
"Cain. Like-"
"McCain."
"Yeah! I thought that him and Barack could like battle it out every night before dinner, or something."
"Never. Even if there's a fire."
"I know. So what about Clifford?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I don't want a son of mine being named after a big red dog!"
"Why not? Clifford it way too legit. Ten times better than Blue's Clues."
"Then it's a good thing we're naming him Brennon, not Blue. Next name."
"Fine. What about Clyde?"
"Definitely not."
"Why not?"
"Because Clyde reminds me of Bonnie and Clyde and that Clyde was a murderer."
"So you think that our son would also be a murderer?"
"No! It's just . . . We're not naming him Clyde!"
"What about Carlton? Or, wait! Is Carlton some scary murderer too?"
"No. Carlton's just a nerd from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air who can't dance. My son needs to know how to dance."
"You're ridiculous!"
"I'm ridiculous? You're the one who wants to name his kids after presidents and murderers!"
"Ugh! Maybe you should just name them, then!"
"Maybe I should!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
" . . . "
" . . . "
" . . . "
" . . . "
"You still have to stick to the alphabetical naming plan, you know?"
"That ruins everything then, Travis!"
"Well you're the one who wanted to name them!"
"Well maybe you should name them again!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
" . . . "
" . . . "
" . . . "
" . . . "
"Carlos."
"Since when are we Mexican?"
"Chico."
"Isn't that a college?"
"Crispin."
"Oh, I read that book before. Not the best."
"Carlisle."
"Do you want him to be mocked his entire life for being Edward Cullen's adoptive father?"
"Chevy."
"Chevy?"
"Yes, there is a car dealership named Chevy, but I was really thinking more like Chevy Chase. Cosmo."
"No, no, no. Go back. Chevy?"
"Yeah. Chevy."
"Chevy?"
"Chevy."
"I like it."
"Really?"
"Yeah. It's different. Unique. Pretty awesome, if I do say so myself."
"So Chevy it is?"
"Chevy it is."
"Alright. Now for D."
"Yay."
"What about Digby?"
"Never."
"Why not?"
"You're really asking me this?"
"Never mind. What about Dale?"
"No."
"But it's from Step Brothers!"
"I know it is, but so is Brennon."
"Oh yeah. So?"
"So having two of our sons named after characters in Step Brothers just yells 'obsessed!' "
"But we are obsessed with that movie."
"I know. But naming them Dale and Brennon seems seriously obsessed."
"No. 'Seriously obsessed' is when you name them Knight Hawk and Dragon."
"We aren't naming him Dale."
"Then what about Dragon?"
"No!"
Sigh. "Then what about Dolph?"
"Dolph?"
"Yeah. Dolph."
"Like Randolph?"
"Oh. I was thinking more Rudolph, but sure. Randolph works."
"Next."
"Dario."
"Dario?"
"Yeah. Dario. It's like Mario but with a D. Isn't it too legit?"
"I guess . . . "
"Think about it. What about Donahue?"
"Never."
"Dreng?"
"Is that Aisan?"
"Norwegian, actually."
"Dario it is!"
"Are you sure? Cuz Dreng sounds really awesome."
"I'd rather name my son Barack."
"Gasp! Really!"
Thump. Thump.
"Oh, don't smack your head against the table like that. I don't think it's very good for the babies."